1
00:00:36,000 --> 00:00:37,479
TOM: Ready?

2
00:00:37,520 --> 00:00:39,511
Go.

3
00:00:47,200 --> 00:00:49,316
12 yards.

4
00:00:49,360 --> 00:00:51,431
Right.

5
00:00:51,480 --> 00:00:56,190
Now, then. Allowing for your little legs,
we'll call that 14. All right?

6
00:00:56,240 --> 00:01:00,677
Now, mine was 11. Allowing for my giant,
athletic strides, we'll call that ten.

7
00:01:00,720 --> 00:01:03,109
That's only because you can't multiply by 11.

8
00:01:03,840 --> 00:01:05,399
I'll ignore that.

9
00:01:05,440 --> 00:01:08,432
Now, then. That'll be, what, 140 square yards?

10
00:01:08,480 --> 00:01:11,757
Let's say �1 per yard is...

11
00:01:11,800 --> 00:01:13,313
�140.

12
00:01:14,000 --> 00:01:15,832
I know that.

13
00:01:15,880 --> 00:01:18,679
The point is, where do we get �140 of manure?

14
00:01:20,520 --> 00:01:22,272
Do we know any elephants?

15
00:01:23,040 --> 00:01:25,350
I wish we did. This is just the front garden.

16
00:01:25,400 --> 00:01:28,313
The back garden, plus the allotment -
that's a lot of manure.

17
00:01:28,360 --> 00:01:31,113
Well, we can't expect our animals
to increase production.

18
00:01:31,160 --> 00:01:33,310
They're already keeping the generator going.

19
00:01:34,400 --> 00:01:36,277
Well, we've got to revitalise this soil.

20
00:01:36,320 --> 00:01:39,995
We can't keep taking away without putting
something back. How's the petty cash?

21
00:01:40,040 --> 00:01:42,031
- Petty.
- I thought it might be.

22
00:01:42,080 --> 00:01:43,593
(Car engine)

23
00:01:46,960 --> 00:01:49,998
Hello, hello. HRH is back.

24
00:01:57,280 --> 00:01:59,476
- Oh, hello.
- Hello, Margo.

25
00:01:59,520 --> 00:02:01,750
I like you in those jodhpurs, Margo.

26
00:02:06,480 --> 00:02:09,199
- What's up?
- Well, go on.

27
00:02:09,240 --> 00:02:14,076
Presumably, you're about to deliver one
of your "funny", in inverted commas, remarks.

28
00:02:14,120 --> 00:02:17,511
No. I like you in those jodhpurs
because they're very sexy.

29
00:02:18,360 --> 00:02:21,637
Oh, thank you, Tom. Silly, but thank you.

30
00:02:21,680 --> 00:02:25,719
You are looking very trim, Margo.
Have you lost some weight?

31
00:02:25,760 --> 00:02:27,910
Yes, I have. Thank you.

32
00:02:28,880 --> 00:02:30,598
Oh, would you like a cup of tea?

33
00:02:30,640 --> 00:02:33,109
- Yes, please.
- Are you going to bring it out to us?

34
00:02:33,160 --> 00:02:37,279
I'm afraid not, Tom. I don't allow
my cups and saucers in the front garden.

35
00:02:43,240 --> 00:02:46,676
I hain't half honoured
to be livin' next door to 'er.

36
00:02:47,520 --> 00:02:50,353
As long as there's a Margo,
there'll always be an England!

37
00:02:50,400 --> 00:02:53,995
(Chuckles) Yeah, as long as there's a Margo,
there'll always be a pony club.

38
00:02:55,000 --> 00:02:57,514
- Pony club.
- Pony club?

39
00:02:57,560 --> 00:02:59,870
Dung. Dung.

40
00:03:01,280 --> 00:03:03,032
Dung!

41
00:03:06,520 --> 00:03:08,113
Margo!

42
00:03:13,880 --> 00:03:18,351
No. Absolutely positively and definitely no.

43
00:03:18,400 --> 00:03:22,030
- Don't hedge, Margo. Give us a straight answer.
- I have.

44
00:03:22,080 --> 00:03:26,313
I simply will not countenance your skulking
round the pony club like Burke and Hare.

45
00:03:27,200 --> 00:03:28,998
They pinched bodies, not horse...

46
00:03:29,040 --> 00:03:31,111
Don't say it.

47
00:03:31,160 --> 00:03:35,438
You have already said that word eight times
in this kitchen. You know very well what I mean.

48
00:03:35,480 --> 00:03:37,437
But we need it for the garden.

49
00:03:37,480 --> 00:03:39,357
Then go elsewhere for it.

50
00:03:39,400 --> 00:03:41,357
Thank you, Tom.

51
00:03:41,400 --> 00:03:44,870
I don't know why you're being
So possessive about it - I mean horse dung.

52
00:03:44,920 --> 00:03:47,833
Nine times. And I am not being possessive.

53
00:03:47,880 --> 00:03:50,599
Are you frightened
we'll let down the tone of the place?

54
00:03:50,640 --> 00:03:53,075
Yes. Now, can we drop the subject, please?

55
00:03:55,480 --> 00:03:58,711
I thought they'd be glad to get rid of it.
Must be mountains of it.

56
00:03:58,760 --> 00:04:03,994
That's not the point. The point is that you would
go roaring up there on that contraption of yours,

57
00:04:04,040 --> 00:04:07,112
probably frighten the horses
and certainly offend the members.

58
00:04:07,160 --> 00:04:08,912
- We wouldn't.
- You would.

59
00:04:10,040 --> 00:04:12,111
Look, we'd say "please� and "thank you".

60
00:04:12,160 --> 00:04:15,869
Yes, I'm sure you would -
in between silly bouts of mock-mock-mock.

61
00:04:16,600 --> 00:04:20,355
- I can be very restrained when I want to be.
- You cannot. I know you too well.

62
00:04:23,320 --> 00:04:24,719
Much too well.

63
00:04:26,000 --> 00:04:28,037
Look, what if I go by myself?

64
00:04:28,080 --> 00:04:30,196
I'll even wear my posh frock, if you want me to.

65
00:04:30,920 --> 00:04:33,958
I'm sorry to say this, Barbara,
but you're getting as bad as Tom.

66
00:04:34,000 --> 00:04:37,709
You simply have to say,
"I'll even wear my posh frock, if you want me to."

67
00:04:38,800 --> 00:04:43,192
It's ridiculous to present a picture
of a woman in evening dress shovelling...

68
00:04:44,080 --> 00:04:46,913
- .what we're talking about.
- I was only joking.

69
00:04:46,960 --> 00:04:48,837
- Exactly.
- Oh, Margo!

70
00:04:48,880 --> 00:04:51,156
Blimey, the pony club isn't Buckingham Palace.

71
00:04:51,200 --> 00:04:53,350
There is no need to bring the Palace into this.

72
00:04:53,400 --> 00:04:58,236
All right. Now, look. Taking your point...
I can't actually say I've seen one to take yet.

73
00:04:58,280 --> 00:05:00,715
We're talking about getting something we need.

74
00:05:00,760 --> 00:05:05,311
Well, then, we're not gonna queer our pitch
by turning up in clown's trousers and red noses.

75
00:05:05,360 --> 00:05:06,953
My answer is still no.

76
00:05:07,000 --> 00:05:11,312
But why are you being so obstructive?
You haven't given us any real reason.

77
00:05:11,360 --> 00:05:13,351
Very well. I'll give you a reason.

78
00:05:13,400 --> 00:05:17,837
If you set foot in that pony club,
I shall never speak to either of you again.

79
00:05:23,080 --> 00:05:25,833
Now look what you've done.
Made her run out of cigarettes.

80
00:05:25,880 --> 00:05:29,111
Good. Well, what do we do now?

81
00:05:29,160 --> 00:05:31,390
Well, it's obvious. Margo has spoken.

82
00:05:31,440 --> 00:05:34,114
But she doesn't own the pony club,
so we'll go, anyway.

83
00:05:38,480 --> 00:05:41,836
(Snooty accent) I say, I say.
Jolly good tack room, this. What, old love?

84
00:05:41,880 --> 00:05:44,474
Best I've seen
since I was cashiered from the Lancers.

85
00:05:44,520 --> 00:05:47,353
- (Whispers) Stop it!
- I say, do you ride long or short?

86
00:05:47,400 --> 00:05:50,916
I used to ride long, but my legs got so bandy,
I'm riding short now.

87
00:05:50,960 --> 00:05:53,395
- Tom, stop clowning!
- Sorry. No, I mustn't.

88
00:05:56,640 --> 00:05:58,313
Look...

89
00:05:58,360 --> 00:06:00,351
Look at the size of that!

90
00:06:01,200 --> 00:06:02,793
It's huge.

91
00:06:03,640 --> 00:06:05,836
Must belong to Mrs Dooms-Patterson.

92
00:06:07,440 --> 00:06:10,080
- The Two Ton Tessie of the pony club.
- (Laughs)

93
00:06:10,120 --> 00:06:12,589
Oh, my God! However big must her horse be?

94
00:06:12,640 --> 00:06:14,836
(Both laugh)

95
00:06:14,960 --> 00:06:17,520
Hello! Sorry to keep you waiting.

96
00:06:18,440 --> 00:06:21,478
You wanted to see me. I'm Mrs Holman.

97
00:06:21,520 --> 00:06:24,194
(Sniggering) I'm sorry - it's no good!

98
00:06:24,240 --> 00:06:26,311
Look, can you see something I can't?

99
00:06:26,360 --> 00:06:28,476
No, we've just got a bit of the giggles!

100
00:06:28,520 --> 00:06:30,636
Oh.

101
00:06:30,680 --> 00:06:33,877
Oh, you must know Mrs Dooms-Patterson.

102
00:06:35,000 --> 00:06:37,150
- Yes!
- It is hers.

103
00:06:37,200 --> 00:06:40,556
To tell the truth, I have to hide in a loosebox
every time she mounts up.

104
00:06:40,600 --> 00:06:42,352
I just can't watch any more!

105
00:06:42,400 --> 00:06:44,789
How does she get on the horse?
Do you use a winch?

106
00:06:44,840 --> 00:06:49,277
Not yet. So far, we manage
with a mounting block and two strong grooms!

107
00:06:50,080 --> 00:06:52,640
Er... we have got it right?
You do own these stables?

108
00:06:52,680 --> 00:06:54,079
Yes. Why?

109
00:06:54,120 --> 00:06:56,794
Well, I thought
everybody here would be strait-laced.

110
00:06:56,840 --> 00:06:59,958
You can't run a riding stables
and be strait-laced - believe me.

111
00:07:00,000 --> 00:07:01,798
You see too many funny things!

112
00:07:01,840 --> 00:07:05,993
- Like Mrs Dooms-Patterson?
- Exactly! Well, I erm...

113
00:07:06,040 --> 00:07:08,509
Oh, sorry. We're Tom and Barbara Good.

114
00:07:08,560 --> 00:07:11,279
- Ah.
- Have you heard of us, then?

115
00:07:11,320 --> 00:07:13,789
Oh, I think everybody in Surbiton's heard of you.

116
00:07:13,840 --> 00:07:17,310
Oh, really? Really? What do people say, then?

117
00:07:17,360 --> 00:07:20,955
Well, some people say,
"(Cheerfully) Yes, I know them."

118
00:07:21,000 --> 00:07:23,992
And other people say,
"(Gloomily) Yes, I know them."

119
00:07:25,760 --> 00:07:28,991
Anyway, the thing is, as you know,
we are self-sufficient.

120
00:07:29,040 --> 00:07:31,600
- Yes.
- And we wondered if you would help us out.

121
00:07:32,280 --> 00:07:34,840
Those two statements don't really go together.

122
00:07:34,880 --> 00:07:36,518
No, they don't.

123
00:07:36,560 --> 00:07:38,756
Sorry - I was nitpicking. What can I do for you?

124
00:07:38,800 --> 00:07:41,269
Well, it's about manure.
You've got it and we want it.

125
00:07:41,320 --> 00:07:44,631
- Oh, help yourselves!
- Just like that?

126
00:07:44,680 --> 00:07:47,798
Well, I'm only too pleased to get rid of the stuff.

127
00:07:47,840 --> 00:07:51,037
As you can imagine,
it's like painting the Forth Bridge.

128
00:07:51,080 --> 00:07:54,311
- Yes, it would be!
- I hate to spoil the simplicity of all this,

129
00:07:54,360 --> 00:07:56,158
but there is one complication.

130
00:07:56,200 --> 00:07:59,397
- What's that?
- Well, we live next door to Margo Leadbetter.

131
00:07:59,440 --> 00:08:02,319
- Oh, I know Margo.
- Living next to her isn't a complication,

132
00:08:02,360 --> 00:08:04,510
but... in this case, it is.

133
00:08:04,560 --> 00:08:07,518
- I'm sorry. l...
- Well, we want to keep this between ourselves,

134
00:08:07,560 --> 00:08:09,437
if possible, without letting her know.

135
00:08:09,480 --> 00:08:13,314
- Oh, we can do that easily.
- Yes, but with her coming to ride twice a week...

136
00:08:13,360 --> 00:08:15,795
- No, she doesn't.
- What?

137
00:08:15,840 --> 00:08:20,118
Well, she used to, but we haven't seen her now
for a couple of months.

138
00:08:21,120 --> 00:08:22,713
Oh.

139
00:08:39,120 --> 00:08:41,350
- Waarghh!
- (Shrieks)

140
00:08:41,400 --> 00:08:43,311
"I am the ghost of Jacob Marley."

141
00:08:43,360 --> 00:08:46,512
(As Eamonn Andrews)
"Yes, Ebenezer Scrooge, this is your life."

142
00:08:47,880 --> 00:08:50,838
Twit! What are the chains for?

143
00:08:50,880 --> 00:08:52,837
I'm making a new lead for the goat.

144
00:08:53,560 --> 00:08:55,870
Let's see her bite through this.

145
00:08:55,920 --> 00:08:59,276
- Where on earth did you get it from?
- From my tin box in the cellar.

146
00:08:59,320 --> 00:09:02,392
It contains all those things
that might come in handy one day.

147
00:09:02,440 --> 00:09:05,592
- The tin box you laugh at.
- Are your soldiers still in there?

148
00:09:08,200 --> 00:09:09,554
Yes.

149
00:09:09,600 --> 00:09:12,911
- What would they come in handy for?
- They could be worth a lot one day.

150
00:09:12,960 --> 00:09:15,918
Why don't you admit
that you just like playing with them?

151
00:09:18,240 --> 00:09:21,358
A clip on this end, a loop on the other,
and that should do fine.

152
00:09:21,400 --> 00:09:23,391
(Knock at door)

153
00:09:24,320 --> 00:09:26,391
Tom, could I borrow your slide rule?

154
00:09:26,440 --> 00:09:30,035
Yeah, course. You can keep it, if you like.
Where did I put it, Barbara?

155
00:09:30,080 --> 00:09:34,153
In the cellar. In your tin box. With your soldiers.

156
00:09:36,520 --> 00:09:38,670
(Jerry chuckles)

157
00:09:38,720 --> 00:09:42,076
- Drop of pea pod, Jerry?
- Oh... well, just a drop.

158
00:09:43,840 --> 00:09:46,070
Oh... what a day!

159
00:09:47,320 --> 00:09:50,551
- London Bridge?
- Hour and 20 minutes tonight.

160
00:09:51,680 --> 00:09:56,595
Good gracious! You know, it's amazing to me
why JUM doesn't fly you home by helicopter.

161
00:09:56,640 --> 00:09:59,154
Well, of course, some American companies...

162
00:09:59,800 --> 00:10:01,473
Oh, yes, very funny.

163
00:10:01,520 --> 00:10:04,876
No, it's not just the travelling.
I've got an awful lot on at the moment.

164
00:10:04,920 --> 00:10:07,514
- Well, delegate.
- Oh, yes.

165
00:10:07,560 --> 00:10:11,315
And let some ladder-climbing junior executive
use me as a rung? No, thank you.

166
00:10:11,360 --> 00:10:13,636
- You'll get ulcers.
- I don't mind ulcers,

167
00:10:13,680 --> 00:10:16,593
so long as I get Sir's chair when he retires.

168
00:10:16,640 --> 00:10:19,871
Here you are, Jerry.
What do you want to use it for?

169
00:10:21,040 --> 00:10:24,670
I was telling Barbara -
got an awful lot of work on. Brought some home.

170
00:10:24,720 --> 00:10:27,075
Never take work home. Thin end of the wedge.

171
00:10:27,120 --> 00:10:29,839
That's rich,
from someone who works at home all the time.

172
00:10:29,880 --> 00:10:31,917
Well, they made us and threw the mould away.

173
00:10:31,960 --> 00:10:35,874
Very wise.
No, I know bringing work home's a bit antisocial.

174
00:10:35,920 --> 00:10:39,356
Still, Margo doesn't mind.
She's got plenty of interests of her own.

175
00:10:39,400 --> 00:10:43,633
- Yes.
- Like today. Always goes riding Wednesdays.

176
00:10:45,720 --> 00:10:49,429
- Did she tell you that?
- Doesn't have to. Just always does.

177
00:10:49,480 --> 00:10:52,518
- Yes, of course.
- Course she does.

178
00:10:52,560 --> 00:10:55,916
Quite handy, really. She was dog-tired
when she came home tonight.

179
00:10:55,960 --> 00:10:57,792
Hot bath and straight to bed!

180
00:11:00,360 --> 00:11:03,432
Not that I mind.
I'm just pleased she's had a good time.

181
00:11:14,280 --> 00:11:16,271
What are you doing?

182
00:11:18,800 --> 00:11:22,156
- Me too, Jerry.
- Well, I prefer it from you, but why?

183
00:11:22,200 --> 00:11:24,555
- Nothing.
- Nothing.

184
00:11:24,600 --> 00:11:26,671
I see.

185
00:11:27,800 --> 00:11:29,871
Ha...

186
00:11:29,920 --> 00:11:33,629
How are you, Jerry, nowadays?
You know - life and so on.

187
00:11:34,560 --> 00:11:37,996
- All right.
- He's a funny old man, isn't he, life?

188
00:11:38,040 --> 00:11:39,633
- Is he?
- Oh, yes.

189
00:11:40,800 --> 00:11:43,599
Oh, yes, indeed. Yes.
He's always there, isn't he?

190
00:11:43,640 --> 00:11:47,599
And when you're cruising along, he sticks
his foot out and you fall flat on your face.

191
00:11:48,680 --> 00:11:51,399
- In the water?
- Water?

192
00:11:52,000 --> 00:11:53,957
Well, if you're cruising, you're in a boat.

193
00:11:55,240 --> 00:11:58,073
- Tom's right, though.
- I don't know what he's talking about.

194
00:11:58,120 --> 00:12:00,077
Well, just asking how you are, Jerry.

195
00:12:00,120 --> 00:12:02,873
Well, tell him I was all right. Not so sure now.

196
00:12:03,960 --> 00:12:06,190
And er... Margo - is she all right?

197
00:12:06,240 --> 00:12:07,992
Yes, as far as I know.

198
00:12:08,840 --> 00:12:12,071
- And you and Margo. Are you all right?
- Oh, my God!

199
00:12:12,120 --> 00:12:15,033
Look, we don't go in for these
soul-searching sessions.

200
00:12:15,080 --> 00:12:17,594
We just go along on our parallel lines.

201
00:12:17,640 --> 00:12:19,438
Close, but parallel.

202
00:12:19,480 --> 00:12:23,360
Now and again we touch, cross over,
and then off we go, parallel again.

203
00:12:24,480 --> 00:12:26,869
I just don't see the reason
for the sudden concern.

204
00:12:26,920 --> 00:12:29,673
We're not concerned, Jerry.
That's the last thing we are.

205
00:12:29,720 --> 00:12:33,679
Well, we are concerned, because we care,
but we're not worried-concerned.

206
00:12:33,720 --> 00:12:35,313
Good.

207
00:12:36,040 --> 00:12:38,031
Well, I think I'd like to go home now.

208
00:12:40,560 --> 00:12:42,551
- Jerry...
- Yes?

209
00:12:44,200 --> 00:12:46,589
There's always a bed for you here. You know.

210
00:13:00,160 --> 00:13:03,551
Look, Tom. There's Margo.

211
00:13:07,920 --> 00:13:09,957
Not going riding again?

212
00:13:16,280 --> 00:13:18,749
She looks positively furtive.

213
00:13:24,240 --> 00:13:26,595
Well, it's none of our business, is it?

214
00:13:26,640 --> 00:13:29,029
Quite right.

215
00:13:29,080 --> 00:13:31,151
Let's go and have a look.

216
00:13:46,520 --> 00:13:49,160
No name, no sign, no nothing.

217
00:13:49,200 --> 00:13:51,191
Well, it's probably a private flat.

218
00:14:01,720 --> 00:14:03,711
(Goat bleats)

219
00:14:22,880 --> 00:14:24,871
Well, it's obvious, isn't it?

220
00:14:25,960 --> 00:14:28,076
Margo has got a bloke.

221
00:14:29,440 --> 00:14:31,351
Only a man would think that was obvious.

222
00:14:31,400 --> 00:14:34,552
- Why?
- Well, without making any generalisations,

223
00:14:34,600 --> 00:14:37,752
all men seem to think
that women are totally preoccupied with them.

224
00:14:37,800 --> 00:14:39,757
All right, then. What else could it be?

225
00:14:39,800 --> 00:14:42,918
Well, I don't know.
I've been racking my brains all afternoon.

226
00:14:42,960 --> 00:14:46,590
I can't think of anything... Probably another man.

227
00:14:48,840 --> 00:14:52,754
- I just said that.
- But I said "probably". You seem to be certain.

228
00:14:52,800 --> 00:14:55,269
All right. Look at the facts.

229
00:14:55,320 --> 00:14:58,711
Margo goes off twice a week,
overtly to the pony club...

230
00:14:59,480 --> 00:15:01,232
...and ends up behind that green door.

231
00:15:01,280 --> 00:15:03,669
Well, I just hate jumping to obvious conclusions.

232
00:15:03,720 --> 00:15:05,950
Well, we didn't get far with the unobvious ones.

233
00:15:06,000 --> 00:15:09,470
'She's joined another pony club
and doesn't want anyone to know," we said.

234
00:15:09,520 --> 00:15:11,909
You're hardly likely to get a pony club
above a shop.

235
00:15:12,600 --> 00:15:15,114
- Never get the horses up the stairs.
- Quite.

236
00:15:17,680 --> 00:15:20,035
Then there was my idea of a coven.

237
00:15:20,080 --> 00:15:23,755
Can you really see Margo
prancing around a pentacle in the nuddy?

238
00:15:25,000 --> 00:15:27,230
Not really, no. No, I can't.

239
00:15:27,280 --> 00:15:31,478
You see, that's the trouble.
I can't really see Margo having an affair.

240
00:15:31,520 --> 00:15:34,273
- Well, she's a woman.
- Well, I know she's a woman.

241
00:15:34,320 --> 00:15:36,834
Well, women are not always
what they appear to be.

242
00:15:37,640 --> 00:15:41,349
- I'm not exactly one-dimensional myself.
- Well, we're not talking about you.

243
00:15:41,400 --> 00:15:44,199
All right.
Let's keep female inscrutability out of this.

244
00:15:44,240 --> 00:15:48,074
Anyway, it's a rotten thing
to be talking about at all. I mean... Margo.

245
00:15:48,120 --> 00:15:51,317
- What about Jerry?
- Yes. Poor Jerry.

246
00:15:52,120 --> 00:15:54,111
Hello!

247
00:15:58,880 --> 00:16:01,520
Barbara,
why have you taken to doing this of late?

248
00:16:01,560 --> 00:16:03,471
I mean, I like it, but why?

249
00:16:03,520 --> 00:16:05,511
Just saying hello.

250
00:16:06,280 --> 00:16:10,592
If every woman I knew said hello to me like this,
Margo would have 40,000 fits.

251
00:16:11,680 --> 00:16:13,796
What are you up to now? What have I said?

252
00:16:14,680 --> 00:16:17,752
Nothing, mate. Come and sit down, mate.

253
00:16:18,600 --> 00:16:22,195
Before you go off at some mad tangent,
I've got something to tell you.

254
00:16:22,240 --> 00:16:25,312
- We're listening, mate.
- And stop calling me "mate".

255
00:16:26,400 --> 00:16:28,630
Now, the point is...

256
00:16:28,680 --> 00:16:30,671
It's about Margo.

257
00:16:31,520 --> 00:16:33,955
Well, Margo and me, actually.

258
00:16:36,960 --> 00:16:39,679
Look, will you just listen
to what I've got to tell you?

259
00:16:39,720 --> 00:16:42,280
Unless, of course, we're going to have a seance.

260
00:16:42,960 --> 00:16:47,909
Now, strangely, something did occur to me
the other evening, through all your gibbering.

261
00:16:47,960 --> 00:16:50,156
- What?
- You seem to have got the feeling

262
00:16:50,200 --> 00:16:52,476
that something was wrong
between me and Margo.

263
00:16:52,520 --> 00:16:55,797
No! No, we can be very wild and irresponsible.

264
00:16:55,840 --> 00:16:59,595
- We gibber an awful lot.
- Pursuing my own line of thought,

265
00:16:59,640 --> 00:17:04,191
I think I know what it is that's wrong - me.

266
00:17:04,240 --> 00:17:06,470
- You?
- No.

267
00:17:06,520 --> 00:17:08,909
Yes. Well, I said it myself, didn't 1?

268
00:17:08,960 --> 00:17:12,555
Margo and I go along parallel lines,
which now and again touch.

269
00:17:12,600 --> 00:17:15,638
Well, I've realised
that we don't touch often enough.

270
00:17:15,680 --> 00:17:19,674
- Sex isn't everything, Jerry.
- I'm not talking about sex.

271
00:17:19,720 --> 00:17:23,759
I'm talking about sharing Margo's interests,
instead of simply tolerating them.

272
00:17:23,800 --> 00:17:25,837
Oh... mate!

273
00:17:27,240 --> 00:17:29,231
Do I look like a teddy bear?

274
00:17:30,040 --> 00:17:32,953
- No.
- Well, will you please stop cuddling me?

275
00:17:33,000 --> 00:17:37,233
Jerry, we love you. We can't stand you
blaming yourself and torturing yourself...

276
00:17:37,280 --> 00:17:40,955
Oh, for goodness' sake! I'm not pouring
my heart out about an emotional crisis.

277
00:17:41,000 --> 00:17:45,233
I just had an idea, and in my innocence,
I thought I'd tell you what I've decided to do.

278
00:17:45,280 --> 00:17:48,591
- We're listening, mate.
- Oh, good. Makes a refreshing change.

279
00:17:49,760 --> 00:17:53,116
Right. I've decided to join the pony club.

280
00:17:54,240 --> 00:17:56,072
- No!
- (Shrieks) No!

281
00:17:56,120 --> 00:17:58,111
- You're too old.
- It's dangerous!

282
00:17:58,160 --> 00:18:01,073
- Oh, don't be ridiculous.
- No. You don't know horses, Jerry.

283
00:18:01,120 --> 00:18:02,918
They kick and bite and scratch.

284
00:18:02,960 --> 00:18:05,759
- Scratch?
- Oh, yes, yes.

285
00:18:05,800 --> 00:18:07,950
With their hooves, like that.

286
00:18:08,000 --> 00:18:10,640
Yes, awful. They're awful.
And think of your career.

287
00:18:10,680 --> 00:18:13,832
Here you are,
one cheek of your behind on Sir's chair.

288
00:18:13,880 --> 00:18:16,918
You go up to those stables.
They put you on some mad stallion.

289
00:18:16,960 --> 00:18:20,430
Wallop! Off work for six months.
You'll be lucky to go back as a packer.

290
00:18:20,480 --> 00:18:23,711
Well, that doesn't happen
to all those Thelwell children you see.

291
00:18:23,760 --> 00:18:28,516
- Well, they have soft bones. They bounce.
- You're old, Jerry. Your bones are brittle.

292
00:18:28,560 --> 00:18:32,918
- Thank you very much.
- Join Margo's music society. It's much safer.

293
00:18:32,960 --> 00:18:35,031
- I can't sing.
- None of them can sing.

294
00:18:35,080 --> 00:18:40,154
Anyway, they'd put me in the back row next to
Miss Mountshaft. She reeks of camphorated oil.

295
00:18:41,040 --> 00:18:43,395
- The Conservative Club.
- I'm already in that.

296
00:18:43,440 --> 00:18:46,558
No, the pony club's best.
I need a bit of exercise, anyway.

297
00:18:46,600 --> 00:18:48,557
- But you hate exercise.
- True.

298
00:18:48,600 --> 00:18:50,796
Why not talk it over with Margo first?

299
00:18:50,840 --> 00:18:53,116
That's the point. I'm going to surprise her.

300
00:18:53,160 --> 00:18:55,151
(Laughs nervously)

301
00:18:55,200 --> 00:18:58,033
And when... when were you thinking of joining?

302
00:18:58,080 --> 00:19:00,959
- Immediately.
- Oh, no, think it over for a few months.

303
00:19:01,000 --> 00:19:03,992
No, if I do, I shall change my mind,
and I don't intend to do that.

304
00:19:04,040 --> 00:19:07,954
No. I'm going up to the stables
to see Mrs Holman about some lessons now.

305
00:19:10,240 --> 00:19:12,993
Er... one word of advice.

306
00:19:13,040 --> 00:19:16,670
Go easy on that pea-pod stuff.
I think it's sending you funny.

307
00:19:55,320 --> 00:19:57,311
(Knock at door)

308
00:19:58,160 --> 00:20:02,199
I was going to say, "Come in," but you're
already in. Hello, Barbara. Hello, Tom.

309
00:20:02,240 --> 00:20:04,993
- Hello, Margo.
- You don't mind if I carry on, do you?

310
00:20:05,040 --> 00:20:09,989
I've got 200 gingerbread men to make
for the music society's conference tomorrow.

311
00:20:10,840 --> 00:20:14,470
Well, I've got to hand it to you, Margo -
you're a cool one.

312
00:20:14,520 --> 00:20:18,115
Gingerbread men in quantity
hold no fears for me, Tom.

313
00:20:19,600 --> 00:20:22,479
- It wasn't gingerbread men I had in mind.
- What do you mean?

314
00:20:22,520 --> 00:20:25,353
Will you put your cutter down first?

315
00:20:25,400 --> 00:20:27,391
Very well.

316
00:20:27,440 --> 00:20:29,670
What catastrophe has befallen you now?

317
00:20:29,720 --> 00:20:31,313
Not us. You.

318
00:20:31,360 --> 00:20:34,478
- If your pigs have got into my garden again...
- Margo...

319
00:20:36,160 --> 00:20:39,232
We know that you're not going...
to the pony club any more.

320
00:20:40,560 --> 00:20:43,393
- Oh, I see.
- We only found out by accident.

321
00:20:43,440 --> 00:20:47,354
We went up to do a dung deal with Mrs Holman,
and it just came out.

322
00:20:47,400 --> 00:20:49,789
I thought I told you not to go near those stables.

323
00:20:49,840 --> 00:20:54,152
- We know why now.
- Oh, how can you deceive Jerry like this?

324
00:20:54,200 --> 00:20:58,273
Deceit is an ugly word, Barbara.
Can you back up your allegation?

325
00:20:58,320 --> 00:21:03,998
Only that we spoke to Jerry, and he is firmly
convinced that you go riding twice a week.

326
00:21:05,000 --> 00:21:08,470
Very well. You've backed it up.
Thank you for calling.

327
00:21:13,760 --> 00:21:16,832
- We're not being nosy.
- You're giving a fair impression of it.

328
00:21:16,880 --> 00:21:18,678
- We want to help you.
- By being nosy?

329
00:21:18,720 --> 00:21:22,429
No. By telling you that the lid is about to blow.

330
00:21:22,480 --> 00:21:27,475
Howl detest mid-Atlantic jargonese.
What do you mean, the lid is about to blow'?

331
00:21:28,240 --> 00:21:30,880
Jerry has just gone up to the stables.

332
00:21:30,920 --> 00:21:32,957
Oh. Why?

333
00:21:33,000 --> 00:21:37,198
- Never mind why. He's going to find out.
- Yes, I imagine he will.

334
00:21:37,240 --> 00:21:40,119
He's going to find out
whatever it is you've been up to.

335
00:21:40,160 --> 00:21:42,834
- Yes.
- Whatever it is.

336
00:21:42,880 --> 00:21:45,349
- Quite.
- You know. Whatever it is.

337
00:21:45,400 --> 00:21:46,913
What a nuisance.

338
00:21:48,600 --> 00:21:50,750
- Nuisance?
- Yes.

339
00:21:50,800 --> 00:21:53,360
He would have to find out now,
at the eleventh hour.

340
00:21:53,400 --> 00:21:55,550
Just when the thing had almost run its course.

341
00:21:55,600 --> 00:21:59,719
- Thing?
- I thought pretending to go riding had worked.

342
00:21:59,760 --> 00:22:03,037
And it would have, if you had bought fertiliser,
like normal people.

343
00:22:03,080 --> 00:22:05,959
- Well, it's all going to come out now, isn't it?
- It seems so.

344
00:22:09,400 --> 00:22:12,518
- Would you like to tell us about it, Margo?
- No, thank you.

345
00:22:14,400 --> 00:22:16,835
- It would make you feel better.
- No, it wouldn't.

346
00:22:16,880 --> 00:22:19,759
- Well, look, we'll stay, anyway.
- There's no need.

347
00:22:20,600 --> 00:22:24,798
- I thought perhaps you might like us to.
- No. This is between Jerry and me.

348
00:22:26,160 --> 00:22:30,552
- Yes, I suppose it is, really.
- Yes, of course it is. Come along.

349
00:22:34,400 --> 00:22:36,277
Margo...

350
00:22:36,320 --> 00:22:39,312
There's always a bed at our place,
should you need it.

351
00:23:04,320 --> 00:23:06,277
Shut the door, Tom. There's a draught.

352
00:23:06,320 --> 00:23:08,311
(Whispers) Shh. Sorry, love.

353
00:23:16,960 --> 00:23:18,758
Tom, we've been nosy enough. Come on.

354
00:23:18,800 --> 00:23:20,996
All right. All right.

355
00:23:21,040 --> 00:23:24,271
Jerry has been home an hour now,
and we still don't know anything.

356
00:23:24,320 --> 00:23:26,596
Well, it's none of our business.

357
00:23:26,640 --> 00:23:29,632
We've done what we can.
It's between them now.

358
00:23:29,680 --> 00:23:31,671
That's what I'm afraid of.

359
00:23:34,920 --> 00:23:38,276
- Has he really been home for an hour?
- Yes. How did he look

360
00:23:38,320 --> 00:23:40,118
when he came home from the pony club?

361
00:23:40,800 --> 00:23:43,519
Well, I don't know.
I was upstairs, making the bed.

362
00:23:43,560 --> 00:23:46,029
In the bedroom,
which is in the front of the house,

363
00:23:46,080 --> 00:23:49,357
so that you could look out of the window,
which you did.

364
00:23:49,400 --> 00:23:51,391
Well, he looked very calm, actually.

365
00:23:51,440 --> 00:23:52,999
That's good.

366
00:23:53,040 --> 00:23:55,759
But all he knew then
was that Margo wasn't going riding.

367
00:23:57,760 --> 00:23:59,512
Probably knows everything now.

368
00:24:00,680 --> 00:24:02,318
Yes.

369
00:24:04,240 --> 00:24:06,231
(Whispers) Very quiet, isn't it?

370
00:24:07,160 --> 00:24:09,754
- He's probably smothered her.
- Barbara!

371
00:24:12,160 --> 00:24:14,071
- Mind you...
- What?

372
00:24:14,120 --> 00:24:16,953
Well, it's easy to take a chap like Jerry
at face value.

373
00:24:17,000 --> 00:24:20,277
Placid, well mannered.
But then, so was Crippen.

374
00:24:20,320 --> 00:24:22,311
(Shrieks)

375
00:24:23,640 --> 00:24:26,837
- You're not honestly suggesting...
- I'm not... Shh.

376
00:24:26,880 --> 00:24:29,110
I'm not suggesting anything.

377
00:24:29,160 --> 00:24:32,357
All I'm saying
is that every man has his flashpoint.

378
00:24:33,160 --> 00:24:35,436
I mean, if I found you with a bloke, I'd kill you.

379
00:24:35,480 --> 00:24:36,834
- Would you?
- Of course.

380
00:24:36,880 --> 00:24:39,952
- Oh, how lovely!
- But that is mad.

381
00:24:40,000 --> 00:24:44,198
- No, it isn't. It's the thought that counts.
- Oh, I see.

382
00:24:44,240 --> 00:24:46,231
- (Clattering)
- What's that?

383
00:24:49,800 --> 00:24:51,791
(Cat meows)

384
00:24:52,680 --> 00:24:54,671
It's all right. It's only the cat.

385
00:24:54,720 --> 00:24:56,711
The cat? (Groans)

386
00:25:02,040 --> 00:25:04,111
- (Whispers) Tom...
- What?

387
00:25:05,040 --> 00:25:07,316
The light's been turned off in their living room.

388
00:25:09,080 --> 00:25:11,754
- That's sinister.
- Why?

389
00:25:12,600 --> 00:25:14,477
I don't know. It just is.

390
00:25:21,920 --> 00:25:23,718
- (Shrieks) Oh, quick!
- What?

391
00:25:23,760 --> 00:25:27,116
- Margo and Jerry! They're coming round.
- Oh, erm... erm...

392
00:25:28,440 --> 00:25:30,397
No, it's all right. Don't panic.

393
00:25:30,440 --> 00:25:32,431
Just be natural.

394
00:25:33,920 --> 00:25:35,593
Hello, you two!

395
00:25:36,880 --> 00:25:39,679
Oh, dear. I'd hoped you'd be better.

396
00:25:41,480 --> 00:25:43,676
Hello, Barbara. Hello, Tom.

397
00:25:44,920 --> 00:25:47,355
- What are you doing?
- Us?

398
00:25:47,400 --> 00:25:50,313
Oh... just relaxing at home.

399
00:25:51,400 --> 00:25:53,391
Don't the chairs work?

400
00:25:54,520 --> 00:25:56,113
- No, don't sit down.
- Why?

401
00:25:56,160 --> 00:25:59,391
Well, Margo and I are going for a drink.
Would you like to come with us?

402
00:26:00,360 --> 00:26:02,476
- Drink?
- Yes.

403
00:26:02,520 --> 00:26:04,796
You know. Stuff they serve in glasses.

404
00:26:05,840 --> 00:26:08,912
- Oh, drink, yes.
- Yes, we would. Of course we would.

405
00:26:08,960 --> 00:26:13,670
Good. Well, I think they've got an alcove
where you can stand to attention and relax.

406
00:26:14,360 --> 00:26:16,351
I'll go and get the car.

407
00:26:19,000 --> 00:26:22,118
He thinks we've gone mad,
and it's all because of you!

408
00:26:23,080 --> 00:26:25,549
I'm afraid your behaviour is all too symptomatic

409
00:26:25,600 --> 00:26:28,353
of the hysteria creeping into English society.

410
00:26:29,400 --> 00:26:31,471
Never mind English society. What happened?

411
00:26:32,400 --> 00:26:34,391
Oh, I see.

412
00:26:35,480 --> 00:26:37,391
Nothing.

413
00:26:37,440 --> 00:26:39,670
Do you mean Mrs Holman didn't split on you?

414
00:26:39,720 --> 00:26:42,951
No. I mean Jerry never got to the pony club.

415
00:26:43,000 --> 00:26:46,118
Oh, he set out with the best intention,
he told me.

416
00:26:46,160 --> 00:26:49,915
But fortunately, Jerry is Jerry,
and he decided to share my interests

417
00:26:49,960 --> 00:26:53,669
by buying me The Lilac Domino
in cassette form, instead.

418
00:26:54,720 --> 00:26:57,712
- Very much safer than riding.
- That's what Jerry said.

419
00:26:57,760 --> 00:26:59,910
Well, I'm trying to think of a phrase,

420
00:26:59,960 --> 00:27:03,555
and it's got something to do
with "everything coming up smelling of violets".

421
00:27:03,600 --> 00:27:06,319
You're preoccupied with manure, aren't you?

422
00:27:08,040 --> 00:27:10,759
Now, you've got to admit it -
you nearly got caught.

423
00:27:10,800 --> 00:27:13,599
In the nick of time,
you just managed to get away with it.

424
00:27:13,640 --> 00:27:16,678
I don't like that expression.
It has criminal overtones.

425
00:27:17,720 --> 00:27:19,996
But I will admit - it was a near-run thing.

426
00:27:20,040 --> 00:27:22,031
- (Car horn)
- Oh, shall we go?

427
00:27:23,920 --> 00:27:25,911
I'll tell you a funny thing, Margo.

428
00:27:25,960 --> 00:27:28,395
You never did tell us what you were really up to.

429
00:27:28,440 --> 00:27:31,910
- No, I didn't, did 1?
- No, and funnier still, we still don't know.

430
00:27:31,960 --> 00:27:34,474
No. And I'll tell you something even funnier.

431
00:27:34,520 --> 00:27:37,399
- What?
- I don't intend to tell you.

432
00:27:47,120 --> 00:27:51,591
Thank you so much, Miss Harmsworth. A most
successful and, above all, discreet course.

433
00:27:51,640 --> 00:27:53,392
Not at all, Mrs Leadbetter.

434
00:27:53,440 --> 00:27:56,319
After all, not every woman
wants hubby to know, does she?

435
00:27:56,360 --> 00:28:00,877
Quite. Men can be insensitive beasts
about weight-watching. Goodbye.

436
00:28:00,927 --> 00:28:05,477
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